Driving Rant
The Driving Curse
The following diatribe is directed at those tossers who think that driving
very aggressively and recklessly somehow bestows upon them the swagger and
countenance normally associated with having a huge todger. It wasn't meant to be a sweeping
generalisation about male drivers; just drivers who drive like they have something
to prove. As it happens, most of these are men.
I like driving. I would like it still more if it weren't for the annoying fuckwits
out there in ever increasing numbers, who insist on cutting me up, driving a hair's
breadth from my tailpipe, etc etc.
To keep me sane, I have identified various groups of road users and their most likely
transgressions. It does help to have some idea what to expect.
1) The "I love Jesus" Nissan drivers
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Very common in and around SE London.
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
At least one sticker in their rear window proclaiming "Thank God for Jesus!" or
"I love Jesus" or, worse, "Jesus is for life; not just for Christmas". As for the
car itself, usually a beaten up old Nissan.
WHAT THEY DO:
More appropriately: WHAT THEY DON'T DO: well, they never use their mirrors, and a favourite sport
appears to be "getting over a roundabout without looking right". It's almost as though they
have a protective force around them protecting them from harm. I have seen this countless times
(working as I do in SE London) yet never have I seen one such driver come to any harm from
this utter disregard about the actions of other road users. I've lost count of the amount of times
I've sat waiting at a particularly busy roundabout (the sort of roundabout where normal rules
go out the window, to be replaced by utter chaos) and witnessed these drivers sailing across
without a care in the world, not to mention even a cursory glance to their right. It defeats
me. Whether this protective shield is a function of their implicit faith in the power of the
Lord (oh yeah) to protect them, or whether it is a matter of almost unbelievable luck, is not clear.
2) The boy racer
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
The one way systems of small provincial towns
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
You are likely to hear them before you see them. Loud pipes, loud musak (though I've nothing
against a good in-car sound system, except a tendency for it to be robbed) and the inherent
ability to drive like a complete wanker. Usually accompanied by stickers on the back window
advertising either a philosophy ("No Fear") or the brand of their car stereo.
WHAT THEY DO:
Drive with their bell-end, not their brain.
3) The Volvo driver
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Especially prevalent during school runs
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
Famed amongst the biker population for their singular refusal to use their wing mirrors,
synonymous with the phrase "sorry mate I didn't see you", the Volvo driver, secure in his
SIPS-strengthened steel cage, has less cause for concern at the prospect of a collision
than most other road users and as a consequence displays a certain gung-ho quality to his
driving. Driving around in a tank apparently helps to foster conviction in the Volvo driver
that he has the right of way at all times - and who would argue with what amounts to an
armoured vehicle?
WHAT THEY DO:
Conduct their journeys in the smug fashion of the truly cosseted "nothing can touch me" motorist.
4) The old bugger
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
In the slow lane
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
By virtue of the fact that most people can run faster than they drive. Granted, they are
less dangerous than your average boy racer or Volvo driver, though they do pose their own
very particular threats. Prone to sudden lane changes without recourse to either wing mirrors
or throttle, they bumble along in their own little world, blissfully unaware of the havoc
they create behind them, in terms of frustrated drivers, forced to tail them for miles at 20mph.
5) The driver who doesn't know the width of their car
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Everywhere.
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
These are the people who drive down the middle of the road, displaying a total lack of
awareness of the size of their car. Because of this they are also prone to hitting the
brakes at the mere sight of an oncoming car, despite copious yardage on either side.
On the positive side, they are unlikely to smash off the wing mirrors of motors parked
along the street.
6) The 4 x 4 about-town driver
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Unfeasibly common in built up areas. Particularly common around very bad drivers.
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
I can think of only one reason why a townie would want a 4x4. That is, to have a
bigger and better vehicle with which to intimidate and threaten other road users
to get out of the way. Only the other day I was driving down a lane, when I was approached
by a monster 4x4 at speed, right in the middle of the lane. I had to veer off into the bushes
to avoid being carved up.
WHAT THEY DO:
Well they certainly don't bloody move. You can't just drive at them and hope they will move over.
No. Because the people who drive them are exactly the sort of people who don't want to give
an inch out there on the road as it might somehow affect the size of their dick. I may buy one.
7) Queue-jumpers
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
All over, yet particularly apparent around the DFS roundabout in Sidcup.
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
They are the ones who wait in the left-hand lane (clearly marked for people turning left),
gunning their engines ready for a grand prix start from the lights, so they can cut in front
of people in the correct lane. This really does my head in.
WHAT THEY DO:
Annoy the pants off people like me.
8) Indicator kings and queens
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Roundabouts seem to cause a particular problem.
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
There are a few vital subcategories to be aware of:
* Those who don't indicate. At all. I can only think that these drivers are psychic and seem unable to grasp
the fact that most people are not.
* Those who turn right yet indicate left all around the roundabout. WHY!
* The drivers who are prone to sudden stops at the side of the road, usually on a red route, without the
courtesy of informing other road users.
* And of course, the people who change lanes without indicating.
WHAT THEY DO:
Conduct their driving lives with an unbelievable lack of regard for the safety of themselves and other drivers.
It's not a difficult concept and it requires very little in the way of energy expenditure. I don't know; maybe
these are people who have been driving for so long that after a certain cut-off point, they feel that basic road
manners such as indication no longer apply to them. Well hey, I've got news for those people: they are *not* the
only drivers out there.
9) Drivers who don't use their wing mirrors.
WHERE TO FIND THEM:
Often in the midst of prangs involving bikers or cyclists.
HOW TO RECOGNISE THEM:
By virtue of their ability to conduct lateral manoeuvres suddenly and without warning.
WHAT THEY DO:
These are the drivers who make life on two wheels so much more potentially troublesome (not to say lethal)
than it needs to be. I believe that everyone who is let loose on four wheels should spend some time on the
road as a biker or cyclist. Only then do such people understand the inherent dangers for these groups of
road users, which simply do not exist for those on four wheels. For cyclists; potholes and drain covers pose
a big problem (particularly those on fine racing bikes), necessitating avoidance tactics in the form of riding further
from the pavement. Some drivers do not appreciate this and will insist on squeezing past in such proximity to said
cyclists that, were they to have their offside windows open, they would be ideally placed to comment upon the personal
hygiene of the cyclist when driving past. Not clever. Cyclists negotiating a steep hill will frequently wobble a bit
as a protest from screaming thigh muscles and thus appreciate being given a wider berth.
As for bikers; well. The thing that crucifies me is the fact that one of the advantages of being a biker is the
ability to get from A to B more rapidly. For this the biker sacrifices much of the comfort the average saloon driver
takes for granted. This is not to say that there is only one reason for bikers to be bikers; largely it is a feeling
of freedom that one gets from zooming around with the wind in your face. Even so, there are those who will deliberately
impede the white liner as they seem to think it unfair that another person can get about more quickly than they can.
Of all the groups of motorist, the persecuted biker is the most likely to show appreciation at being extended simple
courtesies out there on the roads, irrespective of the length of beard or crustiness of leathers. Mayhap it is the less
conventionally acceptable appearance of many bikers that so enrages the suited and booted Mondeo-driving businessman,
losing money all the time he is stuck in traffic.
Imagine riding along the centre line, minding your own business only to be severely decked by someone who pulled out
without thinking to check their mirrors. There isn't a great deal of protection afforded by a bike, and most bikers
would vote in favour of *not* sailing through the air to land in the path of an oncoming car if they could possibly
avoid it.
AND FINALLY: last but certainly not least - the "Baby on Boarders". Arrggghhhhhhhh.
Can anyone tell me what this is all about. Do they really think that the people who
drive as though they were determined to become intimately involved with your exhaust pipe
are really going to give a toss whether your snot-nosed brat is in the back or not?
Or is it more a case of "look at me, aren't I clever, I know that my genitals work and
here's the proof".
Check out some more
Things That Piss Rach Off About Driving.
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Copyright Rachael Arse Johnson 2000